中考英語寫作精彩點評與修改（一）
【原創】劉曉偉老師中考英語寫作精彩點評與修改（一）
2009中考大戰迫在眉睫，很多學生和家長都希望在剩下的兩個多月里爭取在英語有所突破，我本人在周日下午的課最多也只能向20多人學生面授中考寫作課程，為了能讓更多的學生和家長受益，我把利用課余時間幫助學生修改的作文全部登出來，每篇文章都附有點評和原文修改。希望大家能避免一些常見的錯誤，多使用一些地道的短語和句式，為自己的中考之路添加更多的信心和實力。
作文題目：
五晚你父母都出去了，只有爺爺和你在家，你在客廳里看電視而爺爺在他屋里看報紙。突然你聽到爺爺屋里有什么動靜，當你推開房門，驚訝地發現爺爺正躺在地上，失去了知覺。于是你立即撥打了120。然后讓爺爺平躺，打開了窗戶。就在這時醫生來了。一位醫生說你做的對，救了爺爺的命。請根據提示以An Unforgettable Night為題，寫一篇80字左右的短文。
作文修改如下：
先表揚一下：內容都寫到位了，關鍵在于組織。
急需改進的地方：
1. 正確的語法結構。
2. 幾個簡單合并成復雜句
3 前后句子的連貫性。
4 一定要分段。
I have an unforgettable night on last Friday. Because I saved my grandpas life. (I had an unforgettable night last Friday because I saved my grandpa's life.)
Last Friday, my parents were not at home, and I watched TV in living room. My grandpa was watch newspaper in his room. (將幾個簡單句合并更好一些，可以寫成：My parents were not in on the very night. I was watching TV in the living room while my grandpa was reading newspaper in his bedroom.)When I walked in his room, I find he had lost consciousness. (最好用雙賓語結構：find sb doing sth. 可以寫成：When I walked into his room, I found him lying on the ground and lost his consciousness.) So I immediately called 120, put he lay and opened the window. (不成句子，是個硬傷。可以寫成：Without hesitation, after putting him on the bed and opening the window, I immediately called 120.) In this time, doctor came. A doctor said I had a good job, and I saved my grandpas life. (將幾個簡單句合并更好一些，可以寫成：At last, the doctor arrived, who told me that I had done a good job of saving my grandpa's life.)
What an unforgettable Friday!!
(What an unforgettable night!)
恭喜你能堅持寫完，并能看完這篇被我修改的文章。這樣的人不多，你是這個班第二個這么做的，所以我要對你說：你很棒！能想象你以后很牛很牛的的樣子。繼續努力！
【原創】劉曉偉老師中考英語寫作精彩點評與修改（一）
2009中考大戰迫在眉睫，很多學生和家長都希望在剩下的兩個多月里爭取在英語有所突破，我本人在周日下午的課最多也只能向20多人學生面授中考寫作課程，為了能讓更多的學生和家長受益，我把利用課余時間幫助學生修改的作文全部登出來，每篇文章都附有點評和原文修改。希望大家能避免一些常見的錯誤，多使用一些地道的短語和句式，為自己的中考之路添加更多的信心和實力。
作文題目：
五晚你父母都出去了，只有爺爺和你在家，你在客廳里看電視而爺爺在他屋里看報紙。突然你聽到爺爺屋里有什么動靜，當你推開房門，驚訝地發現爺爺正躺在地上，失去了知覺。于是你立即撥打了120。然后讓爺爺平躺，打開了窗戶。就在這時醫生來了。一位醫生說你做的對，救了爺爺的命。請根據提示以An Unforgettable Night為題，寫一篇80字左右的短文。
作文修改如下：
先表揚一下：內容都寫到位了，關鍵在于組織。
急需改進的地方：
1. 正確的語法結構。
2. 幾個簡單合并成復雜句
3 前后句子的連貫性。
4 一定要分段。
I have an unforgettable night on last Friday. Because I saved my grandpas life. (I had an unforgettable night last Friday because I saved my grandpa's life.)
Last Friday, my parents were not at home, and I watched TV in living room. My grandpa was watch newspaper in his room. (將幾個簡單句合并更好一些，可以寫成：My parents were not in on the very night. I was watching TV in the living room while my grandpa was reading newspaper in his bedroom.)When I walked in his room, I find he had lost consciousness. (最好用雙賓語結構：find sb doing sth. 可以寫成：When I walked into his room, I found him lying on the ground and lost his consciousness.) So I immediately called 120, put he lay and opened the window. (不成句子，是個硬傷。可以寫成：Without hesitation, after putting him on the bed and opening the window, I immediately called 120.) In this time, doctor came. A doctor said I had a good job, and I saved my grandpas life. (將幾個簡單句合并更好一些，可以寫成：At last, the doctor arrived, who told me that I had done a good job of saving my grandpa's life.)
What an unforgettable Friday!!
(What an unforgettable night!)
恭喜你能堅持寫完，并能看完這篇被我修改的文章。這樣的人不多，你是這個班第二個這么做的，所以我要對你說：你很棒！能想象你以后很牛很牛的的樣子。繼續努力！
